"Never jog your granny while she's shaving".
(Best advice I ever got)
​Steve Elliott 71, Glasgow​

​"So, how do gooduns fart!".
Tom Heron

"The longest sentence in any language is 'I do'".
Tom Heron
​

"Apparently my friends have been trying to tell me I'm too loquacious but they couldn't get a word in!".
Tom Heron
​

"​My partners favourite word is Hippomonstrosesquippedaliophobia.
Frightens the life out of me".
Tom Heron
​

"When the weather's good and you're feeling great,
don't forget to Re Hi Dr8".​
Tom Heron
​

Q. "Does DNA stand for the National Association of Dyslexia?".
Tom Heron
​

​"Sex is great when you Re Hi Dr8.
More prosecco dear?"​.
Tom Heron
​

"I don't think a coy carp pond in your garden is a good idea Mr. Heron".
Tom Heron
​

"Calling your son Kaja could make life very difficult for him Mr. Googoo".
Tom Heron

"Congratulations, you are now a fully qualified dentist. You may want to consider practicing

under your maiden name Mrs. Hacker".

Tom Heron

"You may want to reconsider calling your daughter Sheila Mrs. Blige".
Mike Newman
​

​"Are you sure you want to call your son Orson Mr. Cart".
Mike Newman
​

Fictional book title:
Rusty bed springs by I. P. Knightly
Mike Newman
​

"Twisting my words will only spell sword".
Mike Newman
​

​"If you bite off more than you can chew
you're just a greedy bugger".
Mike Newman
​

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
Who the hell scornes anymore?".
​Mike Newman
​

"Being a good watchmaker is all about timing!".
Mike Newman​
​

"Walking on eggshells is a cracking idea".
Mike Newman​
​

"A glass ceiling can be a real pane.".
Mike Newman​

"Just because you are an insomniac doesn't mean you should lose sleep over it".

Mike Newman

​

"Do sniffer dogs smell more than other dogs?".
Mike Newman​
​

"The meek shall inherit the earth and you don't get meeker than a microbe".
Mike Newman

"Horse trials never find them guilty".
Mike Newman

"Kangaroo courts make me hopping mad, and the kids are all called Joey".
Mike Newman

"Obesity, fat chance".
Mike Newman

“Humour can be a funny thing”.
Mike Newman

​"I know the Scots love the New Year but what's with the Mahogany?".
Terry, Swindon

"​I'm an agnostic insomniac who suffers from dyslexia.
I lie awake every night wondering if there really is a dog!".
​​Father Michael, Swindon​​

Doctor to patient:
"I'm so sorry, I can't save the arm....
But I can definitely save the watch".
Steve Derby

​

Driving instructor:
"Why are there rumble strips in the road?".
Pupil:
"So that blind people know that there's a roundabout".
Jerry Somerset​

​

Driving Instructor:
​"If you are exiting the roundabout before twelve o'clock you indicate left,
if you are exiting after twelve o'clock you indicate right".
Pupil:
"Why, do they shut that road in the afternoon?".
Jerry Somerset

Quips