The winter salver:
In memory of a great friend.
It’s 2006. Me and my mate Kempy have made it through to the final of The Winter Salver at our local golf club. We’re golfing buddies but this was the first competition we’d entered as partners. We’d had some tough matches and taken some big scalps along the way. Our opponents in the final were a formidable pair who’d been playing together for years. They were known in some circles as “Bandits” when it came to doubles comps. To be fair myself and Kempy had both been described as “the guy in the big sombrero with the droopy tash” in our own right so it was a hard one to call. We shake hands on the first tee then I whisper to Kempy “I’ve predicted the outcome. I know exactly what’s going to happen today”. “What, what happens” he said. “I’ll show you later” I said. The match was tight and the golf was good from both teams. We won holes 11 & 12 to go two up. We then win hole 15 and walk to the 16th tee knowing we only need to halve this hole to win the match. It’s a par four; three of us are on the green in two and Kempy’s in the greenside bunker. He play’s a great bunker shot out to four feet from the hole. I’m now furthest from the hole so we have the honour. We’d established early in the comp that I take the pressure on the greens allowing Kempy to putt freely. We stick to our routine and he holes the putt for par. I don’t make birdie so it’s down to one of these guys to make birdie or it’s all over. They don’t and we win 3 & 2. We shake hands and they walk off deflated. We are quietly ecstatic and head straight for the clubhouse. I’m at the bar expecting to buy our defeated opponents a drink but they don’t show. Kempy’s at the table soaking up the congratulations. The clubhouse is packed; just perfect. “Hey Kempy do you want to see that prediction now”; I said as I unzipped the pocket on my golf bag.”Yeah yeah” he says excitedly. I flick it towards him like a playing card. It’s a hard plastic label like a credit card. It spins to a stop on the table in front of him. Printed on it was, “Kempy holes four footer on the 16th to win 3 & 2”. He can’t believe his own eyes. He is absolutely blown away. So much so that he showed it to everyone in the bar and everyone in the other bar. Two weeks later I walk into our local pub and he shows everybody in there. He’s now carrying it in his wallet. Three months later we are at the golf presentation night to pick up our trophies. We are on a mixed table with some people we don’t know. With the same enthusiasm Kempy tells them about the prediction, even producing the card to prove it. I just smile in acceptance of their astonishment. With the presentations done and the formalities over it isn’t very long before the party’s roaring like an open fire. I call kempy over to the long table which was the trophy table earlier. I get all the guys to gather around. “Kempy I’ve got a trick for you” I said. I swiped my hand across the table like a croupier in a casino leaving a trail of cards as I went. They were plastic cards like the one I had given Kempy. I said turn them over one by one. As he turned them over each one revealed a different outcome to the final we’d played three months earlier. It took a while for the penny to drop but when it did it was worth the wait. 23 other options. I pretty much had it covered. The whole place was in raptures. He’d been well and truly duped and he loved it. We laughed so hard it hurt.
Here’s to you buddy. One of many moments I will always cherish having spent with you.

Tom Heron

Almost cockney:
My partner Helen doesn't quite get how cockney slang works. You can often hear her say things like, "Up the apples and stairs" or "I'd be straight on it like a car on a bonnet" or even "You wouldn't Adam and believe it". That's why I love her so much.

Tom Heron

Clear and present danger:
A good few years ago myself and my partner Helen snuggled up on the couch to watch a movie. It was the film clear and present danger with Harrison Ford. It begins with a motorcade of American diplomats being ambushed in a foreign country. The next scene shows a plane landing at an American military airbase. During the repatriation scene there is a very poignant moment when coffins are being removed from the plane. Silence ensued. The haunting sound of a single bugler playing Dvoraks symphony No. 9. Largo excerpt "from the new world" movement 2 fills the room. It's at this point that Helen says, "isn't that the music from the Hovis advert".
To which I immediately reply, "of course it is, their all brown bread". We both cracked up and could not stop laughing.
We have never seen the rest of that film.

Tom Heron

Too young for a Bungalow:
It was Xmas 2016. We have about 8 members of my partner's family around including her brother and his wife Tracy. We had recently moved to a bungalow in a quiet little suburban street. There's about 10 bungalows on one side of the road and houses on the other. My sister in law Tracy starts commenting on how lovely the bungalow is, lovely big garden, huge frontage and what a lovely area it's in. We'd taken it in May on a long term rental agreement. My partner Helen agreed but said "I think we're too young to live in a bungalow". At the time she was 52 and I was 58. "Every one of the other bungalows has older retired people in them" she said. "I disagree" I said. "When we go on holiday we don't think twice about staying in a single storey villa, in fact we insist on it". "Oh You've changed your tune from a couple of months ago" she said. "No I don't think so" I replied. "OK" she said, "tell Tracy what happened at harvest festival then" I smiled, she says "Go on tell her". "Yeah OK". So back in October Helen had gone out and I was at home with the dog. The door bell rang and the dog went nuts. He always barks at the bell, in fact we use it when he won't come in from the back garden. I went to the door and there was a young school girl stood at the door and another at the end of the path. The one at the end of the path had two bags for life that looked quite heavy. I noticed that the girl at the door also had a bag. It was full of food. Through the dog barking I heard her mention harvest festival. I remember thinking to myself how wonderful it was with all the bad press the youth of today gets these local school kids were prepared to get involved in something for the good of their local community. I also seen this as an opportunity as a newbie to the area to send out a good message about us. You know how quickly you can be labelled in these small communities. In my head I knew we had a frey bentos Steak and kidney pie that had been in the cupboard for ages. I thought that with a tin of tuna some pineapple chunks and a tin of tomatoe soup should show us in a good light. I said "Sorry about the dog he thinks everyone comes to see him, I'll just go and get you a few bits, won't be a sec". As I turned to go to the kitchen the young girl said, "Oh no sir we're not collecting, this foods for you". I was mortified to think that this young girl thought I needed a food parcel. Well my sister in law Tracy exploded with laughter. It was uncontrollable. She couldn't stop and to add fuel to the fire my Helen said "I'd have taken it". That made her even worse. Throughout the rest of the night she would burst into laughter at the mere thought of it. You daren't mention harvest festival in front of Tracy nowadays.

Tom Heron

My worse nightmare:
I've always been a heavy sleeper, that is until the early 90's when I found myself as a single dad. I had my 15yr old son and my 13yr old daughter living at home with me. One summer night I went through my now usual routine of checking every door and window and headed upstairs, checking on the kids before going to bed. As normal I stripped down to my pants, sat on the bed and had a smoke. I finished my cigarette whipped off my pants and climed into bed. (I always sleep in the nude, summer or winter, and by the way, this info is relevant). It didn't seem very long before I was wakened by a noise. I listened intently. Suddenly I heard people running up the stairs, I reached down for my coshe, (a roll of paper from my fax machine) which I grabbed in one hand whilst feeling around desperately for my pants. (How the mind prioritises in a crisis). Too late, I was over powered and thrown on the bed. I couldn't move my arms. I was tangled in the quilt. I felt a knife at my throat and was told not to move or make a sound. Then I heard one of the kids bedroom doors open. I screamed out, "Noooo". Suddenly I was Sat bolt upright in the bed. Sweat dripping off of me, it had all been a horrible dream. I put on a pair of shorts, sat on the side of the bed and had another smoke. It seemed so real I couldn't shake it off. With coshe in hand I went and checked on the kids then went downstairs and checked everywhere. I went back up to bed, again I lit a cigarette feeling a little bit stupid. As I put the cigarette out the door burst open and I was wrestled to the floor. There was at least three people. Again I was over powered and unable to move. One of them said he was going to check out the other rooms. I was desperate to protect my children and tried everything to get free. I could feel an arm across my throat as I tried to yell out. I felt as if I was about to pass out when suddenly I was awake and again bolt upright in the bed. I couldn't believe it. I was confused. Was this all a horrendous nightmare?, am I still in it?. I didn't know if I was really awake or not. As I got out of the bed dripping in sweat I realised I had shorts on. That scared me. This time I checked under the kids beds, in the wardrobes, behind the curtains. I even went out to the back garden. I made a cup of tea and had a smoke. I stayed up all night, still with coshe in hand and was only sure it had been a dream when the kids got up in the morning.

Tom Heron

Wind up:
Me and my mate Mick were canvassing for a window cleaning round. Mick wouldn't go near any house with a sticker on the door ie. (no cold callers, beware of the dog, etc) he just wouldn't put up with the hassle. I on the other hand relished the challenge. Mick casually walked passed the next house having spotted the sticker on the front door. He said "you can have that one" as he went next door. I seen the smile on his face as I approached the huge arrow which read, DO NOT KNOCK, RING THE BELL. I hadn't been having much luck with the door bells so I knocked hard on the door. Mick said later he could hear the guy charging through walls to get to me. The door was ripped open buy this huge guy who said, "Can't you f***ing read". To which I calmly replied, "No I can't, that's why I'm a window cleaner"
The guy had nothing.
Meanwhile Mick is on the floor laughing.
Good days.

Tom Heron

Oops:
In the early 80's my then wife was having all the girls round for an Anne Summers party. I had just had a shower to go to the pub when the party organiser arrived. She had a pair of mens black skimpy see through pants with a green cloverleaf strategically placed. I thought it would be funny to put them on and answer the door to the other girls when they arrived. I Knew them all so it wouldn't be a problem. The bell rang, I casually opened the door and said "Ladies". As I looked up I saw two Salvation army women selling pot plants, I can't remember what they cost but I bought 2.

Tom Heron

Siri Sausage
Since the first lockdown started my eight sisters, yes eight, have formed a group called sisters reunited. They are spread across the country so through the wonders of technology they meet every Friday night on their laptops and tablets. They have set it up as a quiz night. They take it in turns to set the questions and be quiz master and have a few drinks together and generally make a night of it. There’s no time limit and as the drinks flow so does the banter. Now these girls are funny, sharp and very quick; you wouldn’t want to be caught in the crossfire.

After many months and in between lock downs it again came around to my sister Brenda to set the questions for the coming Friday. She was at her daughters for the week seeing her grandchildren whilst staying within her bubble. She decided to include a film round and one of the questions was “what film were Paul Newman and Tom Cruise in together”, then she couldn’t remember the answer. She asked her daughter and son in law but neither could recall the film. Her daughter suggested that she ask Siri. Yes she has an iphone. As she say’s “I don’t know why I only use it for phone calls and messages”.

Now our Brenda’s not stupid. She can read a book cover to cover in a day then tell you that there were too many full stops, a couple of commas in the wrong place and a semi colon missing and give you the page numbers, so is it fair to say she’s a technophobe, well yes it is actually. And although she is amazed and over the moon that she can actually see all her sisters on screen at the same time, she’s still getting used to her first Casio calculator that she got in the seventies, and still keeps an Abacus close by (just in case). She’s one of those people that think technology is probably a wonderful thing but has arrived a little bit early for her liking. What a generation we are. Our generation can be compared with the period that we; so say evolved from apes in that not all of us quite understood the memo.

She didn’t know what her daughter meant. She has Alexa at home and literally knows how to get her to play her playlist but Siri was news to her. After a quick briefing from her daughter she asked the question, “Siri, what film were Paul Newman and Tom Cruise in together”. Siri replied with a list of housing associations. She asked again. Siri gave her the name of a local kebab shop. By this time her daughter and son in law were in stiches laughing. She asked one more time and again Siri came back with a spurious answer. By this time they are all in hysterics as Brenda blurts out “this Siri is getting on my bloody nerves now” and quick as a flash Siri replied, “I’m just trying to do my job”, “If there’s anything else I can help you with please let me know”. Our Brenda was absolutely floored.
​
​She and Siri have never spoken to each other since.

​Tom Heron

FLABB-ERGASTED
So, I thought I might share this funny story with you!
A few years back, when my oldest son was about 10yrs old, he got a new teacher at school. The only male teacher in the whole school, and to be honest, a bit of a dish too! So my son comes home from school one day absolutely raging!! So, obviously I ask what has put him in such a bad mood? He says it was the first lesson of sex education, I said, well we all have to learn son. So he continues “well Mum, we seen a picture of a naked man, and all the girls were giggling! Then a picture of a naked lady, and all the boys were sniggering!!! I was so annoyed; I put my hand up and shouted... I HAVE SEEN MY MUM NAKED IN THE BATH, AND IT'S NO LAUGHING MATTER!!!”
You can just imagine my next parents evening! Cringe!!

Babs Macrae (54) The Highlands
​

Town Festival:
Necessity is the Mother of Invention, but Anecdote’s are the Mother of Quotes.

Picture this scene before Covid existed, it was a cool evening following the town festival and the crowds were gathered as the dark sky was suddenly set alight with a shower of fireworks as the display got underway.
My small family group were part of the crowd maneuvering for a good position to look up to the sky at the spectacular event.
My son had his young daughter on his shoulders so that she would get a good view and he held his phone in one hand ready to take some pictures.
A star burst of noise and colour caused the crowd to surge with excitement with Whoo’s and Ahaaaa’s causing my son to exclaim in a loud voice “Careful…….I’ve only got one leg”.
Everyone around him within earshot immediately look down at his two good legs and then burst out laughing.
Quote:-
“Humour can be a Funny thing”.

Mike Newman, Wiltshire.

Panic
In the midst of a bungled armed robbery one of the robbers screamed nervously at a security guard, "Don't you look at me, Don't you dare look at me. If you do... I'll... I'll... I'll... Smash your f*** ing glasses".
Wayne, security guard. New Jersey.

​Scary
We lived in a secluded house in the south of England. In the early hours we were woken by our alarm. Before we could do anything we heard this. "Do not come out of your room. Stay where you are and no one will get hurt. I repeat, do not come out of your room".
Petrified, we eventually emerged to find no damage and nothing taken.
On the kitchen table was flowers, chocolates and a bottle of wine with a note reading. "Sorry if we scared you" .
Lawrence, Dentist. From his new home.

Anecdotes